The state of being grateful

I was asked to speak yesterday in my local church congregation about gratitude. I definitely believe this is one of the most important virtues that one can develop. The president of our church has spoken time and again about the importance of gratitude and has recently exhorted us to “relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family.”

Many of those in my generation and in the generations younger than me suffer from the curse of entitlement. We think that we deserve everything without paying the price to earn it. Resentment, discouragement, depression, and pride usually follow closely on the heels of entitlement. Sincere and lasting gratitude is the remedy to many of these ills that are quickly overcoming our society.

This opportunity to speak about gratitude gave me a chance to reflect on all the many blessings that I currently have in my life. I came up with a list of things that I am grateful for that I have gone without during some period in the last few years:

Warm weather in November
Washers and dryers
Good health
Easily accessible food
A cell phone
The ability to communicate with the people around me
The luxury of throwing toilet paper in the toilet instead of in the wastebasket
A car that miraculously made it across the country
Heating and air conditioning
A permanent address
Clean surroundings
Nice clothes
Hot water
Money
A bed that is not covered in plastic

However, there is one thing that I am especially grateful for above all of these material comforts. Although I was in one of the most populated nations in the world, I spent a lot of time alone when I was living in India. Since I have started my program here, many of my hours have been spent cloistered in the various libraries on campus, studying. Being alone a lot and far away from good friends and family has caused me to realize how important human contact and relationships are for me in my life. The older I get, the more I value these relationships.

I am very grateful for the multitude of amazing people in my life (like those of you who read this blog); I am most grateful this holiday season for the individuals that God has led me to know and for my relationships with them.

The fundamental genius of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that we can not be saved alone. It is through our families and our relationships with others that we ultimately must come unto Christ. May we all work to create more profound and lasting relationships with those we love this holiday season.

After all you can do

In the wake of a difficult transition to California, a seemingly impossible (for me) school program, and extremely limited time to connect with and serve other people, I have been feeling that I am in a bit of a free fall. I have not only gone to the precipice, but I have jumped off and I am hoping God has a parachute or at least a large body of water to break my fall. For the moment, brick walls seem to abound; in school, with money, with my car, and in my long-term life goals. I did well in undergrad, not because I was particularly intelligent or quick at understanding things, but because I was willing to work harder than most everyone else and put in more time. This strategy no longer works as everyone here puts in as much or more time than I possibly can and they are also extremely smart and pick up on things immediately (and have more math-intensive backgrounds than I do). Constant discouragement, stress, and frustration are rough, but the worst is the daily feeling of inadequacy. Several times in the past few months I have second-guessed my decisions; wondered why I am here; what ever possessed me to think that I could do this? What I have given up in leaving Boston seems far too high of a price given my current existence.

Last week in class, in lecturing about solving a difficult economic model, one of my professors said,

“You are f***ed, what are you going to do?”

Although I would never use such colorful language, his comment struck me pretty hard. What do you do when you get into a situation like the one in which I find myself — you are stuck; it is impossible; what do you do?

As I pondered on this, two things came to mind: work as hard as you can and try to keep a broader perspective (trust in God, have faith, etc.) (there must be worse things in life than failing out of a PhD program, right?).

But, perhaps God is trying to teach me a deeper lesson. Mormons in general are a bit ambivalent about grace (the idea that you can not possibly do everything and reach perfection alone — you need God to make up the difference). We definitely believe in the concept and it is everywhere throughout our scriptures, but we are generally a very practical people and we stress work, action, and getting things done. Many of our teachings and much of our literature expound the virtues of self-reliance — being able to take care of yourself (in every aspect) and those for whom you have responsibility. Effort is paramount. God is more likely to help if you get out and push. And He often answers the prayers of other people through you. Our culture is very capable and action-oriented. Reliance on God is very important, but not for those of us who can handle things.

I myself have probably internalized self-reliance and independence all too well. I am accustomed to being able to take care of everything myself; my problems and others’ as well. If I just work harder, put in more time, more effort, I can do anything. I am capable; I can figure things out — from moving to India or Africa or Guatemala by myself, to finances and jobs, to a cross country road trip.

Perhaps, in his wisdom, God is helping me to learn humility by presenting me with several things that I just can not do, despite strong desire and countless hours of effort.

An ancient prophet once taught “that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.”

By the grace of God go I.

Through a glass, darkly

Even my most enthusiastically atheist friends, I believe, would be hard pressed not to admit the incredible (in the sense of not believable, defying all logic) events surrounding my admission to graduate school over the last few months. Perhaps, some would attribute it to luck or happenstance. But, those who know me well will realize that it was nothing less than a divine miracle that will take me to California to start a PhD in economics in the fall.

More broadly, the last five years of my life have been a living proof of the words of Paul in the New Testament, “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” What appeared to be devastating blows, evidence that God was ignoring, or worse, uninterested in me, now, with the reflection of time, seem to add up to a carefully laid path. For me, it is a reiteration of the lesson that short term disappointments might be steps to our long term progress and that my sense of what I want and desire at any given moment is only loosely related to what I need in order to continue toward my ultimate goal.

Five years ago, when I graduated from university, a less than perfect test score on a standardized test kept me from following most of my friends into graduate school. I was very disappointed. I just didn’t have what it takes to get a PhD. Instead, I took a job in Boston, a city to which I had never been. This in itself was a miracle as several of my more intelligent and better qualified friends did not get job offers while I inexplicably did. My time in Boston led me to people that I needed to meet; people who have been and will continue to be central to my life. Had I been accepted into grad school when I first applied, I never would have made it to Boston (the grad schools in Boston were way out of my league).

I had planned to retake the test and reapply to grad school after my first year working in Boston. However, one year quickly turned into two. Still not ready to apply to grad school but ready for a change, I acted on a suggestion from a colleague and good friend which led me to another job. I will forever be indebted to this friend as the job and the amazing mentor that I met there would forever change my life (see previous post).

I learned a lot during my time at this new job and also had a chance to work with the youth in my church in what became one of the best times of my life. Still thinking that I needed to go to grad school, I planned to retake the test once more after I had been at the job for one year; this would set me up to apply again and to start grad school after completing my second year working at HBS (the position was always meant to be a short term appointment and my mentor, as great mentors always do, encouraged me to move on to bigger and better things).

I studied diligently for months to be ready for the test; I tried to prepare myself mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I had to do well to live up to my own expectations and to the perceptions of all those who supported me. The day finally came. Nervously, with feigned confidence, I faced the test, my nemesis, again. When the long struggle was finally over, my results popped up on the computer screen. Shock set in. I had gotten the exact same score on the all important quantitative section as I had five years previously. My heart sank. I was devastated. This sealed the stamp on my head: I wasn’t good enough to go to graduate school in economics. There was no one I could call to comfort me. No excuses, no posturing. I had given it my all and I had failed. As alone as I ever have been, I left the testing center and walked into a grey drizzle near South Station in Boston. I briefly considered the bridges and waterways nearby. Why God, why? I had done everything I could. What do you want from me? Must I accept that I am just not good enough, not smart enough? How could I face telling everyone who believed in me that they were wrong; that their unfailing, charitable encouragement of me was a waste?

Unable to apply to grad school as intended, I needed to find another job. My new plan was to work for one more year, study once again, and take the test for the last time. Another failure would be a clear indication that I needed to do something else with my life.

A breakup with a girlfriend and a random connection from my advisor led me to India. Culture shock and isolation provided time and motivation to study once again, take the test, and reapply to graduate schools.

And, through a very circuitous five-year route, I’m back to where I was when I graduated from college—intent on starting graduate school in the fall. My score on my final attempt at the test was not of my doing; I had never achieved a perfect score on any of the practice tests. So, why the divine help now? Why not five years ago when I first took the test? Why not a year and a half ago when I suffered a crushing defeat on a dark day in Boston?

Amid the unanswered questions of my life, two things I do know: 1) I never could have gotten into such a good program as the one I’ll be attending in the fall if I had started straight out of university. 2) I wouldn’t trade the people I’ve met or the experiences I’ve had over the last five years for anything in the world.

Even now, I wonder: Why must I start over again in California when I wanted so badly to go back to Boston next fall? But, I realize that I do indeed see through a glass darkly. Not being able to see the future often drives me crazy; trying to trust even in the face of disappointment and disaster; having to reinvent myself and rise from the ashes after each failure. However, with the benefit of hindsight, I don’t think I’d want life any other way. Thank God for divine intervention and guidance to help us grow, even when it is against our will and even when it presents itself as tragedy and tribulation.

True Power and Lasting Influence

Last month, I finally finished my graduate school applications. In many ways, it has been an exhausting, five-year long process, filled with discouragement, indecision, and procrastination. I applied to a few schools as a freshly minted undergraduate but the results of my efforts were less than stellar. However, this time around, I had a powerful guiding force on my side; the influence of an inspired and inspiring mentor was invaluable

I’ve long been conscious of the importance of mentors in the lives of young people. For several years, I’ve volunteered with various organizations as a mentor for youth in difficult circumstances (typically neglected or abused children). In my church, I formerly served as a youth leader for about 14 congregations in the Boston area. It has always fascinated me how even the most distant, jaded, intransigent, defiant, belligerent teenager still seems to crave adult attention and will eventually respond positively to a committed mentor; how much difference it makes when he knows that someone cares. Even if he tries really hard to hide it, you can often see it in his eyes and read it on the subtle lines of his face—that desire to connect, to be known, seen, understood, valued.

Recently, I’ve realized the importance of mentors even for those of us who might be considered adults. Often, we need a trusted individual to convince us that we can do something and to instill within us the courage to keep fighting towards a goal. My former supervisor at HBS is probably the best mentor I’ve ever come across. He has served as a mentor not just to me but to countless of his MBA students, doctoral students, other faculty, and the wider school community. Not only is he one of the hardest working people that I know and the undisputed greatest teacher at Harvard Business School (an institution known worldwide for its teaching), but he also somehow manages to maintain an enviable work-life balance. Although his name is not famous, he has inspired and shaped some of the best and most promising business leaders in the world. From our very first meeting he has demonstrated undeserved confidence in my abilities. Because he always expects the best of people (in all aspects of their lives) he galvanizes everyone with whom he comes in contact to be and to become better than they otherwise would. When someone credible who you really respect and trust believes in you—in your talent, in your potential, in your ability to work hard—it makes you feel like you can accomplish anything. You increase your efforts in order to live up to his expectations; somehow, the confidence he has in you pushes you to new heights that you could not reach alone.

If I do manage to get into graduate school, it will be largely as a direct result of the letter of recommendation that this former supervisor wrote for me. If I could one day be half of what he is—in terms of intelligence, insight, writing ability, clarity of thought, organization, productivity, teaching skills, efficiency, concern for students, humility, and common sense—I would be content. Already, the fact that such an amazing person believes in me is a major coup, more than I ever could have expected. As I continue to work with young people, I will follow his model—always expecting the best from them and encouraging and enabling them to live up to those expectations.

When I was in Boston, I volunteered with AFC Mentoring. I got this shirt on a campout for mentors and mentees in 2007. Check out their website here.

Seventh Star

I spent the weekend at the Seventh Star Home for Destitute Children in Madurandakam, about 2.5 hours from Chennai. It is run by a man named Paul Vijayakumar who has taken in about 37 children who are orphans, semi-orphans, abandoned, destitute, or whose parents have leprosy. The kids range in age from 5 to 19, are super cute, and very respectful. Their English is about as limited as my Tamil, which allowed me to practice my nonverbal communication skills. Paul's 5 year old son is mentally disabled and there is one other girl who has some mental disabilities. In addition, one of the boys is severely physically handicapped.

The facilities at Seventh Star are pretty basic, even by Indian standards. They have two buildings, one of which includes a few rooms for Paul's family. There is a squat toilet in the area where the family lives and a latrine in the courtyard; Paul is currently working on finishing some more latrines. There are no western-type showers; only buckets and taps. Most of the children wash under the faucet in the courtyard. Paul has a very big heart and is trying his best to keep the place running. The LDS humanitarian missionaries here are working with him to start some kind of a business. I was asked to meet with him to talk about his idea of starting a bakery and candle making operation (unfortunately, too many people here mistake me for some kind of an expert or something). What the place really needs is a plan for sustainability (if anyone likes volunteering in difficult living conditions, I'm sure Paul would love to have you).

On Sunday, I attended church with Paul and several of the children at a small congregation housed in a building of another orphanage (Pathway). There were about 10 adults and about 60 youth and children present (most of the youth were the older Pathway children). It was a wonderful experience to be in a church setting surrounded by great youth who are so eager to learn.

As I've visited various orphanages and non-profit organizations in India, Africa, and the U.S., I've often been presented with a difficult dilemma: is it better to donate time, money, and other resources to an organization that has capable, talented leadership and is (usually), consequently, well-capitalized already or to one that is really struggling and could greatly use the extra help. Well-manged operations are more sound administratively, structurally, and financially. In general, they either are or quickly become sustainable. Perpetually struggling organizations, on the other hand, often have much greater relative need. However, organizations that are already sustainable or have the potential to rapidly become so are more likely to efficiently use the resources and to ensure that any investment has a larger positive impact on the desired target group. Not that I currently have many resources to invest, but I'm often left to balance desperate need versus potential greater impact and efficiency. If it were a traditional for-profit enterprise, there would be no question about where I would put my money. Should it be any different in the social sector? What then happens to the disadvantaged group (especially if they are young children) that the unsustainable non-profit was meant to serve?

Seventh Star


The founder, his wife, and some of the children.




Sabitha, a very cute little girl.


Modeling some clothes that my family sent.






Teaching the children to play Uno.




Uno!


Sleeping

More pictures can be found here.

Answers, please

I’ve recently become cognizant that my time in India is quickly waning. When I think of returning home, I’m flooded with a mixture of emotions. I’m anxious to see my family and friends, but there are definitely many things about my life in India that I will greatly miss. I’m sure the India nostalgia will persist forever, just as has my enduring love for Africa.

Living in India has been a difficult experience for me; in some ways even more difficult than the two years that I spent in Italy. (I’ve never been sick so frequently, for instance; despite its reputation for disease, I never once got sick while living and traveling in Africa.)

I felt very strongly that I should come to India. And, since I don’t generally trust feelings, I spent several hours reasoning through the events that transpired that led to my coming; I can only conclude that it was somehow divinely appointed. However, I’m still not sure why God brought me here. No doubt that I’ve learned a lot and progressed immensely while in India. But, I’d hate to think that the trip was necessitated by purely selfish self-developmental reasons. I know that I’m extremely hard-headed but surely God could have found an easier, more efficient way to humble me? Then again, perhaps not. I am pretty stubborn and maybe he decided drastic measures were in order.

It is also possible that the purposes of my exile in India will only reveal themselves in the coming years or perhaps remain a mystery forever. For now, maybe I will have to be content with the time spent here and the relationships gained. Still, a little further guidance from God on the issue would be propitious. Maybe I should work on my listening skills?