After all you can do

In the wake of a difficult transition to California, a seemingly impossible (for me) school program, and extremely limited time to connect with and serve other people, I have been feeling that I am in a bit of a free fall. I have not only gone to the precipice, but I have jumped off and I am hoping God has a parachute or at least a large body of water to break my fall. For the moment, brick walls seem to abound; in school, with money, with my car, and in my long-term life goals. I did well in undergrad, not because I was particularly intelligent or quick at understanding things, but because I was willing to work harder than most everyone else and put in more time. This strategy no longer works as everyone here puts in as much or more time than I possibly can and they are also extremely smart and pick up on things immediately (and have more math-intensive backgrounds than I do). Constant discouragement, stress, and frustration are rough, but the worst is the daily feeling of inadequacy. Several times in the past few months I have second-guessed my decisions; wondered why I am here; what ever possessed me to think that I could do this? What I have given up in leaving Boston seems far too high of a price given my current existence.

Last week in class, in lecturing about solving a difficult economic model, one of my professors said,

“You are f***ed, what are you going to do?”

Although I would never use such colorful language, his comment struck me pretty hard. What do you do when you get into a situation like the one in which I find myself — you are stuck; it is impossible; what do you do?

As I pondered on this, two things came to mind: work as hard as you can and try to keep a broader perspective (trust in God, have faith, etc.) (there must be worse things in life than failing out of a PhD program, right?).

But, perhaps God is trying to teach me a deeper lesson. Mormons in general are a bit ambivalent about grace (the idea that you can not possibly do everything and reach perfection alone — you need God to make up the difference). We definitely believe in the concept and it is everywhere throughout our scriptures, but we are generally a very practical people and we stress work, action, and getting things done. Many of our teachings and much of our literature expound the virtues of self-reliance — being able to take care of yourself (in every aspect) and those for whom you have responsibility. Effort is paramount. God is more likely to help if you get out and push. And He often answers the prayers of other people through you. Our culture is very capable and action-oriented. Reliance on God is very important, but not for those of us who can handle things.

I myself have probably internalized self-reliance and independence all too well. I am accustomed to being able to take care of everything myself; my problems and others’ as well. If I just work harder, put in more time, more effort, I can do anything. I am capable; I can figure things out — from moving to India or Africa or Guatemala by myself, to finances and jobs, to a cross country road trip.

Perhaps, in his wisdom, God is helping me to learn humility by presenting me with several things that I just can not do, despite strong desire and countless hours of effort.

An ancient prophet once taught “that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.”

By the grace of God go I.