Through a glass, darkly

Even my most enthusiastically atheist friends, I believe, would be hard pressed not to admit the incredible (in the sense of not believable, defying all logic) events surrounding my admission to graduate school over the last few months. Perhaps, some would attribute it to luck or happenstance. But, those who know me well will realize that it was nothing less than a divine miracle that will take me to California to start a PhD in economics in the fall.

More broadly, the last five years of my life have been a living proof of the words of Paul in the New Testament, “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” What appeared to be devastating blows, evidence that God was ignoring, or worse, uninterested in me, now, with the reflection of time, seem to add up to a carefully laid path. For me, it is a reiteration of the lesson that short term disappointments might be steps to our long term progress and that my sense of what I want and desire at any given moment is only loosely related to what I need in order to continue toward my ultimate goal.

Five years ago, when I graduated from university, a less than perfect test score on a standardized test kept me from following most of my friends into graduate school. I was very disappointed. I just didn’t have what it takes to get a PhD. Instead, I took a job in Boston, a city to which I had never been. This in itself was a miracle as several of my more intelligent and better qualified friends did not get job offers while I inexplicably did. My time in Boston led me to people that I needed to meet; people who have been and will continue to be central to my life. Had I been accepted into grad school when I first applied, I never would have made it to Boston (the grad schools in Boston were way out of my league).

I had planned to retake the test and reapply to grad school after my first year working in Boston. However, one year quickly turned into two. Still not ready to apply to grad school but ready for a change, I acted on a suggestion from a colleague and good friend which led me to another job. I will forever be indebted to this friend as the job and the amazing mentor that I met there would forever change my life (see previous post).

I learned a lot during my time at this new job and also had a chance to work with the youth in my church in what became one of the best times of my life. Still thinking that I needed to go to grad school, I planned to retake the test once more after I had been at the job for one year; this would set me up to apply again and to start grad school after completing my second year working at HBS (the position was always meant to be a short term appointment and my mentor, as great mentors always do, encouraged me to move on to bigger and better things).

I studied diligently for months to be ready for the test; I tried to prepare myself mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I had to do well to live up to my own expectations and to the perceptions of all those who supported me. The day finally came. Nervously, with feigned confidence, I faced the test, my nemesis, again. When the long struggle was finally over, my results popped up on the computer screen. Shock set in. I had gotten the exact same score on the all important quantitative section as I had five years previously. My heart sank. I was devastated. This sealed the stamp on my head: I wasn’t good enough to go to graduate school in economics. There was no one I could call to comfort me. No excuses, no posturing. I had given it my all and I had failed. As alone as I ever have been, I left the testing center and walked into a grey drizzle near South Station in Boston. I briefly considered the bridges and waterways nearby. Why God, why? I had done everything I could. What do you want from me? Must I accept that I am just not good enough, not smart enough? How could I face telling everyone who believed in me that they were wrong; that their unfailing, charitable encouragement of me was a waste?

Unable to apply to grad school as intended, I needed to find another job. My new plan was to work for one more year, study once again, and take the test for the last time. Another failure would be a clear indication that I needed to do something else with my life.

A breakup with a girlfriend and a random connection from my advisor led me to India. Culture shock and isolation provided time and motivation to study once again, take the test, and reapply to graduate schools.

And, through a very circuitous five-year route, I’m back to where I was when I graduated from college—intent on starting graduate school in the fall. My score on my final attempt at the test was not of my doing; I had never achieved a perfect score on any of the practice tests. So, why the divine help now? Why not five years ago when I first took the test? Why not a year and a half ago when I suffered a crushing defeat on a dark day in Boston?

Amid the unanswered questions of my life, two things I do know: 1) I never could have gotten into such a good program as the one I’ll be attending in the fall if I had started straight out of university. 2) I wouldn’t trade the people I’ve met or the experiences I’ve had over the last five years for anything in the world.

Even now, I wonder: Why must I start over again in California when I wanted so badly to go back to Boston next fall? But, I realize that I do indeed see through a glass darkly. Not being able to see the future often drives me crazy; trying to trust even in the face of disappointment and disaster; having to reinvent myself and rise from the ashes after each failure. However, with the benefit of hindsight, I don’t think I’d want life any other way. Thank God for divine intervention and guidance to help us grow, even when it is against our will and even when it presents itself as tragedy and tribulation.